It's here at last: the countdown to the rest of your life. Relax - it will be over before you know it. Literally.

It's always amazed me that so much anticipation, preparation, agonizing and anguish, not to mention cases of nerves, gnashing of teeth and spending of more money than you thought possible, is over in a trice. The ceremony itself takes so little time and is completely out of proportion to all that was invested in the preparation and events leading up to these nuptials. Fear not, the reception will go on for far longer and people will drink far more than you thought possible. And no, it's not possible to get a refund on your honeymoon travel to throw at this burgeoning bill. Go away, have fun. It will all be waiting when you return.

But the result: hopefully two deliriously happy people, the newlyweds, and not two people saying, "Is that all there is?" or "All that for this?" Every one, who has done it, regardless of the aftermath, is almost always happy about the whole affair. And then there are all those photos and videotapes to relive the special day. "Hey, who's that with Uncle Joe over by the hedge and what are they doing?" Oh yes, hours of enjoyment as you see who was there and what they were doing on your special day.

But back to the main event. The groom and his party arrive at the selected venue where more guests, family and friends, your parents' friends and business associates, in numbers that continue to astound you, await to witness the ensuing scene - tying the knot. Hopefully the official doing the marrying is also on hand. But now it's time to settle in and wait for the star of the show, the bride, to appear.

This is guaranteed to be a bit nerve wracking. If she's not spot on, everyone speculates on the reason for her lateness. She's not going to show; she's got the weeps and has to redo her "face"; the car didn't arrive; her old beau has reappeared and wants her back; Dad is still trying to talk her out of it; they've left it too long and she's gone into labour and is heading to the hospital instead; or hey she's changed her mind. Add your guesses to the list.

Oh but here she is. Everyone has forgotten that she is always at least fifteen minutes late. For everything.

Here comes the bride, on Dad's arm, preceded by a crush of attendants in dresses that were a compromise and flatter no one but looked awfully nice in the Bride magazine spread. There are lots of ooooohs and aaaaahs from the guests but it's unclear if they are of pleasure, displeasure, simple relief or disbelief.

But she's made it to the altar, where the groom's sigh of relief is audible clear to the back. Mom's weeping, Dad's shushing her and wanting to get on with it before anyone changes his or her mind or someone breathlessly interjects at that titillating place in the ceremony, "If anyone knows why these two people should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

The ceremony proceeds. The couple has A) opted for the standard traditional or nondenominational service, or B) has chosen to share very private words AKA vows with the assembled witnesses. Generally with option A, the couples voices are either inaudible or they stumble over the names, or with option B), you can count on this being clear as a bell, overly long and too intimate to be shared with Dad's business associates. The I do's are done, the kiss is usually a miss or again too intimate for public consumption and the happy couple is heads down the aisle and out the door.

The guests are generally on their own until the reception sometime later, where everyone will drink too much, say inappropriate things, and generally have a much better time than the newlyweds who are too exhausted to have much fun but are struggling to remain dutiful and pleasant unless they decide to party down. Bad speeches are made over dinner and many guests are decidedly embarrassed. Our hapless couple really does deserve a great emcee or best man at this point, but alas these treasures are rare and the bridal pair will likely suffer through abhorrent comments and stories until they can flee the scene. Of course they will have to deal with the garter toss and bouquet hurl before rushing to collapse in an exhausted and perhaps drunken heap at their chosen hotel. The wedding night is likely a bust because they are too wiped out by stress and perhaps alcohol to do anything but sleep.